


With Dreams Come Nightmares

by SongOnTheWind



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dreaming, Fighting, Gen, Impala, M/M, Nightmares, PTSD, Pie, Sam totally ships it, Sleep, dreaming!Cas, mentions of Anna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 11:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2226606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SongOnTheWind/pseuds/SongOnTheWind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During the events of Clip Show, if that gas station hadn’t been out of pie, Metatron hadn’t come to find Cas, and Crowley hadn’t been so much of a douche.</p>
<p>After a fight (and make-up drink) with Dean, Cas remembers a spell that allows angels to sleep and, in effect, to dream. But with dreams also come nightmares.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With Dreams Come Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Destiel fic, so I hope you guys like it :)

As Castiel walked through the convenience store, putting things that the boys needed into his basket, Dean’s words ran through his head.

_Ignoring us...Bolting off with the angel tablet then losing it.Cause you didn’t trust me? You didn’t trust me?...That’s not gonna cut it. Not this time. So you can take your little apology, and you can cram it up your ass._

 

Dean’s expression had been so cold, so unfeeling. Cas had tried to explain. He had thought he was doing the right thing.

_Yeah, you always do._

Dean’s reply rang in his ears. It had all been for Dean. Naomi would have come after him, after Dean, after Sam. Cas couldn’t let them get hurt, especially not because of him. So he had cut off all contact. Separated himself from the Winchesters. How he had wanted so badly to answer Dean’s prayers to him. But he couldn’t. He thought he had been protecting Dean. But he had only been hurting him.

 

One of the last things that Dean had said to Cas was, “We _don’t need_ your help,” and then Cas was left at the bunker, alone.

 

So Cas had gone out. Dean had said that the boys needed to make a run for food and supplies like that, so Cas decided to do it himself while the Winchesters were busy trying to close the gates of Hell. Cas got things that they needed, like beer and toilet paper. He even went so far as to purchase the newest issue of Busty Asian Beauties. And, thankfully, the store had been well supplied with “homemade” apple pie. Cas spilled a handful of crumpled bills onto the counter, hoping he had enough to pay for the supplies. Surprisingly, he actually had some money left over.

 

He then made his way back to the bunker, hoping to get there and have enough time to put everything away in its proper place before the Winchesters returned. He made it back with plenty of time, and was putting the last bottle of beer away when he heard Sam call his name.

 

“In the kitchen,” Cas called back.

 

Sam and Dean walked into the room. “Cas, you know we don’t have any-”

 

“I went shopping.”

 

The boys looked extremely confused and startled. “You,” Dean started, “ _you_ went _shopping_?”

 

“Yes,” Cas confirmed, feeling quite proud of himself. He quickly turned around, shuffling through the bags. “I, uh,” he turned around, “I got you some pie, Dean. It’s, uh-it’s apple.”

 

Dean took it hesitantly. “Uh, thanks, I guess, Cas."

 

Cas smiled at the “thanks."

 

Sam cleared his throat awkwardly. “Well, thanks a bunch, Cas, for uh, going shopping. I need to, um,” he motioned to the door, and then left hurriedly. And Dean and Cas were left alone in the kitchen.

 

Dean looked down after a few moments and moved over to the counter to get a fork. He was very hungry, and was extremely grateful for the pie-though he didn’t want to admit it-but he was still pissed off at Cas.

 

Dean sat down at the little table that served as the bunker's dining room when the boys weren't eating in the library, going through the hundreds of books the bunker had to offer. Cas stood in place for a while, and then hesitantly sat down across from Dean, not speaking at all.

 

When Dean had finished with his pie, the two sat in complete silence, neither speaking nor making eye contact.

 

After a while of awkward silence, Cas spoke.

 

"Dean-"

 

"Save it, Cas."

 

"But Dean, just let me-"

 

"No. You already tried explaining once and I told you, sorry isn't gonna cut it this time."

 

"I was trying to protect you and Sam!" Cas practically screamed it.

 

"How the hell is ignoring us and not trusting-?"

 

"I knew Naomi would have done anything to get that angel tablet back, and I know what she's capable of. She-I couldn't let her hurt you or Sam. So I panicked and ran. I cut off all contact with you because I knew she would have found you and used you to get to me. If she had done anything to you-Dean, I would have never forgiven myself if she hurt you in the ways she hurt me."

 

"Cas, you don't-it's not your job to protect me."

 

"Yes it is. It has been from the start and it still is my job to make sure you're safe, Dean." Cas sighed. "I'm sorry. I thought-I thought I was doing my job. I didn't know that I was hurting you in the process."

 

Dean sighed heavily. "God, why is it that I always forgive you?"

 

"What?" Cas's head snapped up in confusion.

 

"It's okay, Cas. I forgive you. You-you really thought that you were doing the right thing. You were trying to look out for us and, really, that's how I always end up messing up, too. And, I mean, you're family. Of course I forgive you."

 

Cas beamed. Dean being mad at him was always the worst.

 

"Now," Dean started, "how bout we go have something to drink in my room?"

 

"Okay."

~~~~~

The two men sat in Dean's room, the hunter on the bed and the angel in a chair next to him.

 

After a while, Sam noticed that the two had seemingly disappeared from the bunker. As he passed by Dean's bedroom, looking for Dean and Cas, he heard their laughter and smiled to himself; they both deserved to be happy for once. And so, he got a beer from the kitchen and went to the library to pour over another book.

 

"Did you seriously knock over an entire shelf?" Dean laughed.

 

"Well, it was really more of a rack," Cas replied, a drunken grin dancing across his face.

 

"Cas, sometimes it really amazes me how _un-human_ you can be."

 

"But it's odd. I still exhibit many human-like traits. I have feelings, curiosity, I think for myself- _most_ of the time. I feel pain..." Cas's voice trailed off as he receded into his own thoughts.

 

Dean looked at Cas, trying to study the angel's face and pull whatever information from his expression that he could. But all he found was pain and confusion.

 

"Cas, you said-you said you didn't want Naomi hurting me the way she hurt you. Are-are you okay? What-what did she-what did she do to you?" Dean asked cautiously.

 

Cas sighed and looked at the floor. He didn't speak or move for a long while. When he did finally look up, his eyes were filled with pain.

 

"She-she erased some of my memories. Compelled me to do... _certain_ things which were against my wishes and morals. She-" Cas shook his head at all of the memories. Killing Samandriel. Naomi's chair. Her office. But worst of all was the white room; the room filled with hundreds upon hundreds of identical copies of Dean. How each one had begged Cas to stop, or egged him on, or attacked him, and how Cas had run each and every one of them through with his angel blade. And after a while, the corpse of Dean Winchester had not affected him at all. He had felt no emotion whatsoever at seeing Dean dead. But now was different; Cas had to remember that.

 

"Cas?" Dean's voice shook Cas from his memories.

 

"I do not wish to speak about it any more," Cas said gruffly.

 

"Okay. But, I'm here, if you ever _do_ need to talk."

 

Cas looked at Dean, and he could see the sympathy in the hunter's eyes.

"Thank you, Dean."

 

Dean nodded his head. "No problem."

 

Silence covered the two men for a while, but Dean, as usual, could be counted on to lighten the air.

"So how did you know that apple is my favorite kind of pie?"

 

Cas smiled. "I didn't, actually. I just guessed. And, additionally, you and Sam are always saying 'apple pie life' so I assumed that you have some sort of affinity for it."

 

"Cas, you know that 'apple pie life' is just a saying, right?"

 

The angel nodded once again, a smile playing on his lips. "I assumed as much. And pie's don't really have that much of a life, anyway."

 

Dean laughed loudly, the alcohol in his system adding to the hilarity of Cas's ignorance. As his laughter subsided, Dean was about to mention that he couldn't remember the last time that he had laughed like that. But he did remember. It was when he was off with Cas, and Cas had laid some hooker's daddy issues right out in front of her and the two friends had had to run out the back door.

Dean had said the same thing then. _I can't remember the last time I laughed like this._

 

Dean thought that it was odd and actually kind of nice to be able to pinpoint his happiness to one specific person. His life had always bounced around, always changing. It was nice to have a constant for once.

 

The hunter yawned. "Man, I'm getting tired. I think I'm gonna turn in. Um, you're welcome to stay, I mean like, in here...with me, Cas."

 

Cas nodded. "Thank you, Dean. Do you mind if I just...sit here?"

 

"Sure, whatever you want man. Climb into bed with me for all I care." Dean's cheeks reddened at the slip of words. "What I mean is uh-"

 

"I understand," Cas said simply, though his cheeks had also grown a bit rosy, from embarrassment or the alcohol Dean couldn't tell. "I think I will rest here, however."

 

Dean nodded and rolled over on his bed, away from Cas.

 

In a few short minutes Dean's breathing evened out and Cas knew that the hunter was asleep.

 

Watching Dean, Cas wished that angels slept. Cas had watched humans sleep for centuries and had always thought sleep to be an extremely primitive process. That is, until he began spending late nights in motel rooms, listening to the chorus of Dean's and Sam's breathing. Several times, Cas had peeked in on Dean's dreams, and found them to be more peaceful than he expected. Fishing by the side of a lake. Having a beer with Bobby and Sam. Driving the Impala down an endless stretch of country road. Castiel had found himself almost jealous of Dean's ability to forget whatever was going on in the world and just dream.

 

While lost in his own thoughts, Cas recalled a memory of Anna, back from the time when she was an angel and he had been under her  command. It had been about a week before she had fallen, and she had come to Castiel, excited and  jittery. She had explained to him how she had found a meditation to lull a vessel into a type of sleep that angels could experience. And she told him about how she had dreamed.

 

Cas stole a quick glance at Dean's sleeping figure. Then, the angel took several deep breaths, leaned his head back, closed his eyes, and began silently chanting in Enochian in his head. It only took a few minutes before Cas felt his vessel's pulse slow and recognized a subtle shift in the room around him.

 

The angel opened his eyes to find himself at the table in Bobby's old kitchen. Ellen and Jo were sitting across from him, laughing as he took shots. But they weren't laughing _at him_ ; they were laughing _with him_ , and Cas felt all warm inside. Dean walked up and leaned against the counter, smirking.

It never registered in Cas's mind that Bobby's house had burned down a long time ago, or that Ellen and Jo had been dead for years, killed less than a day after this particular memory. Right there, in that exact moment, Cas felt happy, as he looked up at Dean's smiling face.

 

Cas blinked, and everything shifted again. Now he was riding shotgun in the Impala, Dean sitting next to him, gazing out at the road in front of them.

 

"Dean, where are we going?" Cas asked.

 

"Wherever," Dean answered, that classic smirk on his face. "Anywhere specific you wanna go?" The hunter looked over at Cas, his face bright with a smile and a challenge of a question in his eyes.

 

"I don't know," Cas replied. "This-this is kind of...nice."

 

Dean smiled at Cas for a few moments longer and then looked back at the road. "Yeah, it really is."

 

They stayed like that for a long while, the road feeling as endless as the night, until Cas felt himself getting...tired.

 

"Dean, I feel...like I need to rest." Cas yawned.

 

"Go ahead, Cas. I'll watch over you." Dean turned to smile at Cas once again, and the angel could feel the warmth in Dean's eyes.

 

Cas smiled and began to drift off.

As he was right on the edge of awake and asleep, a piercing white light appeared, surrounding Cas.

 

When he opened his eyes, the strange light blinded him momentarily. He tried to move, but his limbs were strapped down at his sides and he couldn't move from the chair he was seated in.

The chair...

Suddenly, Cas knew exactly where he was; back in Naomi's chair.

 

The blinding light subsided enough so that Cas could make out the white walls of the room. He looked to his left and saw the small, metal rack of Naomi's tools. Immediately, Cas began to flail, trying to break free from the chair. He had to leave, find Dean, warn him. Naomi, she was going to have Cas kill Dean...

 

"Castiel, that is not going to help you." Naomi's voice came from behind Cas as she entered the room. Cas couldn't speak.

Naomi took the two steps to the table and picked up the one thing that Cas feared most: the drill.

 

Naomi placed her hand on Cas's shoulder, hovering over him. The drill began to whir as Cas felt pure terror overtake him.

 

"Come now, Castiel. Let's get rid of all of those pesky memories. You're a soldier, remember?"

 

Cas screamed. "Dean!"

 

"Dean isn't coming, Castiel," Naomi scolded.

 

"Dean! Please!"

 

Naomi leaned in closer, her drill nearing Cas's eye.

 

"Dean!"

 

"Cas!"

 

Cas awoke with a start. He grabbed at Dean's arms frantically. His breathing was labored, and he could still hear Naomi's voice, her drill...

 

"Cas! What-what the hell happened?"

 

Cas tried to orient himself with his surroundings; He was on the floor of Dean's room, his back pressed up against Dean's dresser. Dean's hands rested on Cas's shoulders from the hunter's attempt to wake Cas from his...

 

"Dean," Cas panted, "what is it called when you have a dream, but it is unpleasant?"

 

"Wha-it, it's a-a nightmare, Cas. It's called a nightmare."

 

A nightmare. It had just been a bad dream-a nightmare.

 

"Cas, I thought-I thought that angels couldn't sleep."

 

"They can't, normally. But there's a special meditation that one can use if one would wish to sleep...to dream," Cas explained.

 

"Cas, what the hell were you dreaming about? I woke up to you crying, screaming my name in your sleep."

 

Cas let one  hand go from its place on Dean's arm and reached up to touch his own face. It was streaked with tears, and more were streaming from his eyes. His throat felt sore.

 

"I-at first it was good. I had two dreams that were very...pleasant. And then..." Cas trailed off again, looking away from Dean.

 

Dean sighed, and gently took Cas's face in his hand. "Cas, no matter how much you might not want to tell me what you were dreaming about, you really should, man. This...whatever it is, it's just gonna keep building up inside your head. Everyone always says that the best cure for a nightmare is to talk about it."

 

"Dean, I-I don't-"

 

"And I promise, I won't judge. Not one little bit. You could tell me literally anything that's bouncing around inside of that head of yours, and I swear on all things still good, that you can trust me with it."

Dean and Cas were staring at eachother again, and something in Dean's eyes made Cas trust him, no matter how intoxicated either of them were.

 

"I-okay," Cas relented.

 

"Okay, then. How about we sit on the bed? It's more comfortable."

 

Cas nodded his head and finally let go of Dean's arm, which he had continued to clutch the entire time. Then he slowly stood and made his way to the bed, and then carefully sat down.

 

Dean sat gingerly next to him. "So, do you want to talk about the good ones or the bad one first?"

 

"I believe it would make the most sense to go in chronological order," Cas mumbled.

 

Dean nodded. "Okay then, so how did everything start out."

 

Cas sighed. "It started with the last night."

 

"The last night?" Dean recalled when the two of them had thought it to be Cas's last night on Earth, when they were trying to trap Raphael. Dean had given Cas the "last night" line, and only later realized what that might have meant.

 

"At Bobby's house," Cas continued, and Dean sighed, both relieved and disappointed that Cas's first happy dream involved other people besides himself. "We were at Bobby's house, the last night, before we went after Lucifer. I was sitting at the table, taking shots with Ellen and Jo," Cas smiled at the memory of that happy feeling, "and we were all laughing, and then you walked up and leaned on the counter, with your usual smirk, and I just felt all warm. Like everything was going to be okay for once. It was amazing; I didn't even realize that...Bobby's house burned down and that...that Ellen and Jo..."

Dean put his hand on Cas's shoulder. "How bout we keep that one a happy dream, okay?"

 

Cas nodded. "Then, the next dream, I woke up in the passenger side of the Impala. And you were at the wheel, and we just...drove." Cas sighed. Now he was pretty sure he knew why the Winchesters didn't sleep all that often: dreams that would never become a reality were hard to take.

 

Dean, meanwhile, was finding himself to be dumbfounded: he had had that same dream innumerable times before. Himself and Cas in the Impala was one of the best and worst dreams that he had ever had. He always felt so content while asleep, and felt amazingly well rested when he woke up. But how could he tell Cas that?

"That...erm, that sounds...nice," he said simply.

 

"Yeah," Cas replied, "it was."

 

After a while, Dean cleared his throat. "So then...the nightmare, right?"

 

Cas nodded solemnly. He wouldn't look at Dean, and just stared at his feet.

"I-well...there was-and..."

 

Dean put his arm around Cas. "C'mere."

Cas hesitated for a moment, and then curled in to Dean's chest. Dean wrapped his arm tighter and then draped his other arm around him, holding the angel close to his body. Cas hugged Dean back.

 

"It's okay," Dean soothed. "Take all the time you need. I've got you."

 

Cas breathed deeply. "It was Naomi. Up-up in heaven she has-she has this-this _room_. It's small and all white, and completely empty except for a chair and a table full of...tools. The chair is-it's like a dental chair, except, on the arms, there's things to-to tie you down." Cas finished in a whisper.

Dean stayed quiet, just holding Cas and letting him say what he needed to.

 

"One of the tools on the table, it's-it's like a drill. And it-it goes into..." Cas's breathing hitched a bit.

 

"It's okay," Dean mumbled. "It's okay, Cas."

 

Deep breath. "It goes into the eye. And Naomi can look through your head, see everything you've seen, every memory. And she can bury things, or add things, or change them, or destroy them. And she's used it on me...so many times. And so, in the dream, i was strapped into the chair again, and Naomi came in, and picked up her drill...and she was going to erase some of my memories...again. And I couldn't stop her. And-and I called for you, Dean, and she just said, 'Dean isn't coming,' and I was sure-I was sure-"

 

"Cas-Cas, try and calm down."

 

"I thought she had killed you already."

 

An uneasy silence fell over the two.

 

"What do you mean 'already,' Cas?" Dean asked quietly.

 

"Remember when we got the tablet, and I tried to...to...kill you?" Cas whispered.

 

"Mhm."

 

"It was Naomi. She had another room, like...like a warehouse. And she put me in there, and she just said, 'You are a soldier, Castiel. Follow orders. Kill them,' and then she left.  And then you showed up, and...and attacked me. But of course, it wasn't actually you. It was a copy. But I didn't know that. And so I had to kill you. And as soon as I killed one, another would show up. And I killed hundreds of them. I saw you die hundreds of times, Dean. And by the end...and by the end, I didn't even feel anything. No hesitation, no remorse. I was a machine. And my only purpose was to find the angel tablet and kill you if you got in the way."

 

"Cas..." Dean leaned his head up and saw silent tears running down Cas's face. "Aww, Cas, it's okay, you're okay..." Dean reached up and attempted to wipe the tears from Cas's face, but Cas turned away from him.

 

"I'm so sorry, Dean, I-I'm-" Cas's words came out horribly, his body wracked with sobs.

 

"Cas, it's-"

 

"No!" Cas wrenched himself from Dean's grasp and turned himself away from the hunter. "Don't say it's okay, Dean! It's not okay! I-I'm just a machine, a soldier. I'm a monster."

 

"Cas," Dean sat up behind Cas and placed a careful hand on his shoulder. "You're not a monster. None of that is your fault."

 

Cas turned on Dean, his eyes filled with an animalistic panic, his voice shaking. "How can you not hate me?! I'm-I've done horrible things, Dean. How can you not hate me?" He sounded tired, defeated, as though the fight had finally been beaten out of him, and he had no faith left in himself. He sounded like Dean felt not too long ago.

 

Dean reached up to hold Cas's face in his hands, lifting the angel's head up to look at him.

"Cas, I could never hate you." He spoke slowly, every word filled with pure emotion and purpose. "I know I get mad at you, and I say stupid, horrible things, but I could never hate you, never. I-Cas, we-we're family. And I-I need you, Cas. I don't know what I'd do without you."

 

Cas started crying even more then, feeling the sincerity of Dean's words, and the hunter pulled him in for a tight hug, holding Cas as his shoulders shook and breath caught in his throat.

 

Eventually, the angel calmed down a bit, and the two men moved so that they were lying comfortably in the bed together. Cas's head was resting on Dean's chest, Dean's arm wrapped around Cas's torso.

 

"I've got you, Cas. And I'm never gonna let you go."

~~~~~~~~~

Dean eventually drifted off, still entangled with Cas, while the angel stayed very much awake, staring at nothing.

 

When Cas registered the change in Dean's breathing, the angel shifted to look up at the hunter. Dean's face was peaceful for once, his eyes shut and jaw slack, breathing and heartbeat slow and even. Cas once again found himself marveling at the peace that Dean found in sleep. Cas knew that he would try the spell again someday, but he knew that now was not the right time; right now was Dean's time for rest.

 

The angel moved slightly, shifting himself within Dean's grasp, and Dean hummed contentedly in his sleep, wrapping his arm just a bit tighter around Cas. And Cas just couldn't really believe it: he was lying in bed with Dean Winchester, tightly wrapped in his arms, and Cas felt like his stomach was doing somersaults.

 

He had never let himself admit it before now, but his feelings toward Dean had moved much farther than just a "profound bond." And now, held tightly by this man that Castiel had grown so close to, Cas finally let his feelings see the light.

 

And so Cas just layed there, wrapped in warmth and safety so very far away from his problems, and even though he couldn't sleep, Cas was content.

 

This was probably better than dreaming anyway.

 


End file.
